I deserve better than I have been getting!

Well since my last post about her birthday a lot has once again changed.  The following Monday after our Friday night out.  She proceeds to tell me that she is still or sorry is once again with him!  So yes I once again let her rip my heart out!  Only positive thing that came out of that is she has finally started being honest somewhat.  So I left her alone and didn’t call her or text her in almost 2 weeks.

Then as I had so much time to think about everything, I began to realize.  She’s been gone over 2 months now and hasn’t even tried to help support our son (besides his phone bill).  I had no problems with that when she still wanted to be my wife and was living with me!  But now she is with someone else and I’m having to deal with all of this alone.  Giving him lunch money.  Buying all the groceries.  Keeping a roof over his head and a hot shower everyday.  My truck is a P.O.S..  I can’t afford another truck right now.  I can’t get financing with the house and the truck she is driving around in all in my name. So I have no reliable transportation!

So I told her she needs to start helping me out financially.  And she starts crying about not working and not having any money.  Well your new boyfriend can help you out, you can get another job.  Why should I have to suffer anymore than needed?  So you can sit at home?  Run around with your new boyfriend that lives an hour away?  Live up the single life while still married to me?  While I go to work at my full-time job!  While I play the role of mom and dad all at the same time! That seems fair right?  Hell no it’s not fair!  Not to me or our son!

So tonight was the final straw for me as far as her being indecisive about our marriage.  She keeps saying she doesn’t know what she wants!  If your married to me and sleeping with another man and staying at his house all the time, then you’ve made a decision.  Granted I did sleep with another woman!  I felt terrible about it and it made me miss my wife even more than I did before it happened.  But that was a one time mistake that I made.  Not something I am continuing to do while telling the person I’m married to that “I don’t know what I want”.

Since I love her so damn much, I gave her another opportunity to come home.  But I am just so sick of being lower on her list of people than someone she met 2 years ago.  I can’t do it anymore!  So I told her if she’s going to continue to sleep with him, then he was her decision and I can’t let her back into my heart or my house again. It absolutely breaks my heart that it has come down to this!  But I can’t move on with my life while I still have hope that she may come back.  So it was time for me to make that call that I can’t take her back.  I can’t say I don’t want too,  I just can’t do it.  I’m tired of waking up every damn day thinking about my wife sleeping with another man!

I can admit that I made some stupid decisions!  But I apologized for them, learned from them, and never made them again!  I am a good person that deserves better than the way I am being treated by the woman I love most in this world! I have made all my wrongs right to the best of my ability.  While she just keeps on doing them while trying to string my heart and feelings along for the ride!  I have a big heart and deserve a woman who loves me and cares about my feelings!

All that being said, I am still in love with her!  Yes I must be the biggest idiot in the world to still be as in love as I am for a woman who treats me so badly.  But I have to remember she doesn’t feel that way about me obviously!  That’s the only reason I feel like I can move on!

“Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough”      Oprah Winfrey

The first date with my wife of 7 years!

Well since my last post about my wife’s birthday we have been talking more!  With our sons birthday party coming up this Sunday I had asked her if she wanted to go shopping with me for him, which she agreed to.  After shopping we went out to our favorite local bar for dinner and some drinks.  I was so nervous about going out with her it was strange!  We have been together since we were very young so we never really had to do the whole dating thing.  So last night was like our first date!  It’s weird to say that, my first date with my wife!  We had a very good time, there was a live band that the singer was absolutely hilarious!  We ate, played pool, talked, and laughed the entire night!

After catching a cab back home, she stayed the night!  Which I am so happy for!  It really hits home about how much you can miss someone when they come back for just a short night!  I had forgotten how lonely that bed has been without her in it with me!  It was one of the best feelings I can imagine having her there with me last night!  I just can’t put those feelings I felt into words!  The feeling of being able to hold her that close to me again is just indescribable.  I woke up and had to make sure she was really there, thought maybe I had just dreamed the entire night.

I know she is still not ready to come home.  But I feel like this was a huge step in the direction we need to go to reconcile our marriage.  We are going to take this one step at a time.  So we don’t jump back in and end up the same way we were if not worse than before. I am still giving her the space she needs to find herself again.  I don’t know how long all of this will take.  But right now it doesn’t even matter!  I am just so happy that it seems like she may want this marriage to work out!  I told her last night that I was glad that she left!  Because looking back now on how I treated her and her feelings that this is what needed to happen to make us both better people and have a stronger love for each other!

I am just so excited about the fact that we are once again getting along.  And in my opinion very well too!  It was such a good feeling to hear her say I love you to me!  This whole date thing really made me feel like a kid again!  The sheer amount of love and lust I felt was overwhelming!  I think we had lost some of the lust we used to have for each other.  But after last night I hope she felt the same way I did.  I am still hopeful she will be coming back home!  But nothing is set in stone yet, so the birthday party tomorrow maybe a bit strange after last night.  It will almost be like it was for me when we got to the bar.  I wasn’t sure exactly where I stood at the time!  I know she’s not ready to come home.  But I’m not really sure what she is ready for?  That’s probably one of the hardest things, is to not show my feelings for her in front of our son and our families.  We don’t want to confuse our son anymore than he may already be.  It is hard to not hug her, kiss her, or even touch her at all when I see her.  But in order to give her the space she wants I have to not do those things.  And let her decide when the time is right.

 

Lifes curve balls

So many things have changed for me in the past few days.  I have began to realize more and more of the reasons she left.  She truly did not know who she was anymore.  As I think I also forgot who I was too!  I have been blaming her leaving on a lot of things.  But I have began to see that I was more centered around my feelings and how I felt about what was going on that I was blinded by them.  And did not see what she was going through!  That really made me look back on a lot of things I have said and done over the years!  And especially those since she has left me!  I had been so concerned about what I wanted and how I felt that it never hit me how much pain she was in!  And now that I see that maybe I can begin to change myself for the better!

Yesterday was her birthday and I invited her out to dinner with our son and I.  It was one of the most wonderful nights together we have had in a very long time!  We enjoyed a great dinner and laughed and joked the whole time!  I truly enjoyed her company and her being happy to be there!  It was the biggest and brightest smile I have seen on her face in months!  It makes me happy to think after all we have been through and what has happened that I can still do that!  We sat outside our house and talked for an hour or so before she left about a lot of things!  It was the closest I have felt to her in forever!  I get goose bumps thinking about it!  I know she still may not come home again, but at least I feel it was a step in the right direction of mending our friendship I have always cherished!

Sleepless in Florida

                                                          

Another sleepless night!  It’s now 2 am, yesterday morning I spoke with my wife again.  This time seemed like it was different from every other time we have spoken since she left.  I have been telling myself that I was no longer going to try to get her to come back home.  Yesterday morning when I woke up I could not stop thinking about her, so I thought long and hard about what I would say to her if I did call her.  I really wanted to tell her how I feel about her.  I just felt that if I didn’t try that I was giving up on our marriage.  I love her more than anything in this world (other than our son) and need to fight for her.  So I talked to my friend Liza about me wanting to call her and tell her how I felt again.  And she told me then do it!  If that’s what I felt like I needed to do and she is what I really want then just call her! So I started off with a simple text to see where I was at with her.  It didn’t start so well.  After a bit she said she would call me.

At first when we started talking I wasn’t sure how I was going to get to what I really wanted to say to her. So I told her I am just going to get it out and say it.  And then the tears came when I started talking.  I then told her how much I loved her and wanted her to come home.  I told her about a time I hadn’t thought of in a very long time, until a week or two ago when I was talking to Liza about us.  Shortly after my wife and I met, I was on the school bus talking about her with one of my best friends.  And I told him that she was the one I was going to marry and I was going to spend the rest of my life with her.  I mean it still to this day.  Unfortunately she really hasn’t said much as to her feelings about all of this.  But when I asked if there was a chance of her coming home to this family again she said she wasn’t sure.  Which is better than a no, I guess?  That’s basically what I got every other time I asked.   It was the first time since she left that the conversation went the way I wanted it too.  It somehow always turned into an argument about something.  I didn’t want this time to be that way, I am so tired of arguing!  It was also the first time I thought she may actually give this marriage another thought!

After we talked for a bit and I got my feelings out it was time to go to work.  I asked her if we could talk that night.  And to my astonishment she agreed to it.  But when I got home from work I sent her a  text saying I needed to clean the kitchen before I called her.  Never got a response from her, so I called with no answer!  I don’t know why she would agree to talk with me again and then not answer me, not even the texts?  It was all I thought about all day long, was could she be wanting to come home?  That’s really not like her though to not answer anything from me!  I am kind of worried about her, but I have no one else to call to see if she’s alright.  I feel as if “he” is talking her out of coming back home.  Saying that I haven’t changed at all and things will just be the same as before.  But he doesn’t even know me at all, he knows nothing about me!  I truly thought this time she might have given us another thought.  I feel like a new person from what I did a month or two ago!  And I want to show her that I am more of the person that she fell in love with than I have been in quite a while.

We had so many plans for this year, it seems as if everything is just falling apart some days!  Her birthday is coming up in 8 days with our sons the day after!  They will be a hard couple of days without her being here with us!  This will be the first time I couldn’t spend her birthday with her in many many years!  And the first time we won’t be together as a family on our sons ever!  I am not sure what I should do?  I want to buy her flowers and something else, but I also don’t want to over step the boundaries she has put up around herself!  I had bought her flowers for Valentines day, but that didn’t go as well as I had hoped it would!  I do miss her so very much and really want her to come back home and try to work things out, not just for me but for this family!

Groundhog Day

I would assume everyone has seen the movie Groundhog Day.  This morning I was talking to one of my best friends on the porch before he left to go help my brother-in-law get ready for a birthday party.  And I realized every morning it feels like that movie, I wake every morning and the clock says 4:23.  Even today with the time change last night, I still woke up at 4:23!  I lay in bed after that tossing and turning.  I may be able to fall back asleep for 10-15 minutes at a time.  But I also have the same thoughts in my head every morning.  She is the first thing that comes to my mind in the morning, with the first emotion being fear.  The fear that it really is happening isn’t it!  And the second being sadness when I realize she’s not in the bed next to me or in the bathroom getting ready for work.  Every time I come home I still expect to see her truck sitting in the driveway.  But it’s not there!

The other night I sent her a text asking if a certain date would be good with her for our sons birthday party.  And somehow led to her talking about clothes shopping for him.  And she asked me if I would go with them when they went.  As hard as it was I had to say “No”.  I told her that it’s still very hard on me.  I just can’t do things like that right now, and act like everything’s OK.  And her response to me was it’s hard on her too!  That this was the hardest thing she has ever had to do.  Yes she said “had to do”!  She didn’t have to do this!  We never even discussed what was happening to us, before she abruptly ended this marriage!

Some times I feel like a security blanket for her.  Because she knows I will always be there for her if she needs me.  But she has another man in her life now.  So she doesn’t need me to be there for her.  I would do anything in this world for her, even after all that has happened.  But she has moved on and I am going do the same.  I have been talking to another woman named Liza that I met and we have become really good friends.  She is also going through a break up and we have been helping each other deal with the feelings of sadness and loss that we are experiencing.  She talks me down from calling or texting my wife when I know I shouldn’t because I will just regret doing it.  I have let her back into my head and my heart too many times here lately with so much disappointment.  Sometimes I just want to be able to talk with her like we used too.  I miss the sound of her voice and words of comfort.

When all that you know is being in a relationship, having never been on your own.  The comfort of a companion is a need that you don’t realize you have until its gone!  I guess I had just got complacent in our marriage and neglected her needs of a lot of things.  Maybe that is why she strayed from our marriage for another.  Not that I am blaming myself for her actions, but I do see that I was not as sensitive to her needs being met at times as a husband should be.  I am far from perfect but at least when I love something or someone I am willing to fight and do whatever it takes to make it work.  We all make mistakes and some may seem unforgivable.  But when you love someone enough you have to be able to forgive them.  I don’t know how long it will take for me to be able to forgive her.  But I guess it all starts with me being able to forgive myself.  I have asked her many of times to forgive me for the things I have done wrong.  And if she can’t I guess that shows how much love she really had for or didn’t have for me.

Confused once again?

Our son stayed the weekend with his mom.  And there was some heated words exchanged between us through texts.  Which started because our son seemed to be mad at her when she would try to talk with him about what was going on.  And she asked me if I was talking negatively about her to him.  I am not that kind of person and would never do that.  Our issues are just that ours!  I would not try to change his views of his mother.  He is old enough to have his own opinions about her and what is going on. She had said some hurtful things about me being or not being a father to him until after she had left.  I don’t know that she actually meant those things I think it was just her trying to get under my skin because I was getting under hers!

After we got past those harsh words that were said, I told her to enjoy her time with him and that I would see her later.  At the end of our conversation she said you know I really do miss it.  I don’t know why I am telling you this but just thought you needed to know.  Which is where my confusion lies!  This is the first time in more than a month she has even shown any kind of remorse for leaving!  So I asked miss what?  And her reply was never mind.  I was left almost speechless.  I wanted her to say it!  What is it that you miss so much?  Our son?  Me?  The house?  The dog?  What??  For the longest time I felt like I was the only one hurting!

When they were headed back she asked me if I wanted to go to dinner with them.  I had not eaten yet so why not?  It wasn’t as awkward as I expected it to be I guess.  We didn’t talk too much.  Our son loves to talk, so we pretty much listened to him ramble on and on!!!  I was taken back to some of the feelings I have been putting behind me.  I have been doing exceptionally well without her!  I have been solely independent on me for the first time in my life!  And it really does feel good!  I am just not sure what I want anymore?  I mean there is a part of me that wants nothing more than her back at home with us!  But on the other hand I don’t know that my heart can handle another heartbreak.  It is just now starting to heal itself!  And it has a long ways to go!

I am not counting on her changing her mind about this divorce again!  I had high hopes of that for far too long.  Like I have said before one day and one step at a time.  I am only looking forward and not looking back anymore!  AHHHHHHH I feel better now.  After putting that down and re-reading it a few times!

Is that what “friends” are for?

I wasn’t going to write on this blog again for a while, but after reading Lisa Arends latest blog today I felt compelled to re post a part of it and share some more of my feelings.  In her blog it said this:

“I went into marriage a realist. Sort of. I knew that fairy tales weren’t real and I had seen firsthand the ugliness that life can deliver. I say ‘sort of’ because I would never have thought that my husband was capable of delivering that ugliness. I had a realistic view of marriage but I didn’t have a realistic view of him.

I set out from the beginning to protect my marriage. I was afraid of external threats. I always had a deep fear that I would lose him, but I assumed that it would be to death. That fear was not unfounded since I has lost 13 friends that way in the preceding years. So I erected those guard towers to alert me to any incoming hazards.”

And after reading it some of the thoughts and feelings I have been trying to hide have resurfaced.  I began to realize that I really am pissed off at her for her actions.  She always said I was just being jealous because I didn’t like her going out with her friends from work at night.  Well I mean one of those so-called “friends” is who she left me for!?!?!  I will admit I was a little over protective at times.  But she was my world and I loved her so much, and I was truly afraid of something like this happening.  For the last 12-13 years I never got close enough to another women to where the thought of me leaving her would have ever came to my mind.  Not because I couldn’t but I didn’t want too.  I would have never in a million years thought about leaving her.  I just can’t seem to comprehend how she could leave all that we worked for over the years behind for another man?

We were together for many years before we got married.  Not because I didn’t want too, but because I wanted to make sure I was making the right decision for both of us before I asked.  I guess looking back now it was the right decision at that time.  But apparently marriage means something else to me than it does to her.  My parents are still together today and hers are not.  I guess we are wired to share their views on life when it comes to aspects like these?  Marriage to me means for the rest of our lives.  And that there is nothing that we can’t work out!  She apparently does not share my idea of marriage!

I have so many unanswered questions to ask her.  And I know she won’t answer most of them and if she does they will not be completely truthful answers.  Is it wrong for me to feel this way?  For needing some more closure on this failed marriage?  If I would have left her under these circumstances would she expect me to answer them?  I have been completely honest with her about everything!  Even about things we never talked about like me cheating on her shortly after us getting together.  That was the first and last time it ever happened!  It was the biggest mistake I had ever made!  She still hasn’t forgiven me for it after all these years.  Which I believe is what makes her feel like what she has done is OK for some reason.

I do know that this marriage is over!  Do I want to believe it?  No!  Does it still hurt?  Absolutely!  If I say that to her she says well you’re not the only one hurting!  What the hell does that mean?  Why are you hurting?  You walked out on us!  You turned your back on this marriage not me!  I tried to make it work!  I poured my heart and soul out to her!  I really did!  I let her know what I think I had done wrong in our marriage.  And all she could do was tell me I was right!  Not what she had done wrong! Because apparently her leaving this marriage for another man is not wrong at all!  One day her family will see what actually happened to this marriage.  She still won’t admit it to them I am sure.  She was with him the day she left this house.  Spent the night with him 13 days later?  How can she say that’s not why she left?

I will admit I feel better after expressing my anger.  More so than showing my sadness.  Partly because this anger of me knowing what she actually did makes me kind of forget about all the sadness I have.  I do have one question to ask anyone who reads this though.  Is it wrong for me to ask her not to take our son around her new boyfriend?  At least until the divorce is finalized?  It has only been 27 days since she moved out!

A special Thanks to Lisa Arends and her blog Lessons from the end of a marriage!

Independence

It has been a while since I have blogged on my progress in all of this.  I have just been taking things one day at a time and not trying to look too far forward.  All I know at this point is where my son and I are at.  And we are actually doing pretty good I think.  The daily struggles of life I was feeling a week or two ago are starting to fade slowly away.  I am no longer trying to win her love for me back.  I didn’t like the feelings of vulnerability that it was leaving behind when I started to hope she would come around.  I am slowly trying to find the joys of the independence I have never had.  I mean there is nobody here to tell what I should or shouldn’t do!  It is kind of a relieving feeling sometimes!

My son and I have been bonding more than ever before here in the last couple weeks.  We go to Walmart together (all the time because we can’t remember everything in one trip), we have been playing pool together, video games, and board games at night during dinner.  I have just bought us a new camera so I can get pictures of our good times together.  We will be fishing a lot together this summer I am sure!  We have been having a very good time together.  I have been trying to keep his mind off of his mom leaving.  And I hope I am doing a good job with it.  He still doesn’t want to open up about his feelings yet.  I don’t blame him, because he is just like me!  I have never been real big with sharing or showing my emotions and feelings either. And he is keeping my mind right as well.

All-in all I think I am doing great!  I really feel like a new person.  She came by today to take our son to school this morning.  And then came back by later to get some more of her stuff.  I didn’t have the same butterflies in my stomach feelings that I had every other time I have seen her since.  I am starting to lose the feelings of loneliness and they are being replaced with feelings of self-worth again!   I have began to realize that there wasn’t anything I could have done different to stop this from happening.  I cannot feel bad for what I could not control.  And I have picked a new song to show my feelings. Maybe not the feelings I have right now ( I am in a much better place), but the way I felt earlier this week!  Three Days Grace – Chalk Outline……..

I’ve been cursed
I’ve been crossed
I’ve been beaten by the ones
That get me off

I’ve been cut
I’ve been opened up
I’ve been shattered by the ones I thought I loved

You left me here
Like a chalk outline
On the sidewalk
Waiting for the rain to wash away
Wash away

You keep coming back
To the scene of the crime
But the dead can’t speak
And there’s nothing left to say anyway
All you left behind
Is a chalk outline

I’ve been cold
In the crypt
But not as cold as the words across your lips
You’ll be sorry baby
Someday
When you reach across the bed
Where my body used to lay

You left me here
Like a chalk outline
On the sidewalk
Waiting for the rain to wash away
Wash away

You keep coming back
To the scene of the crime
But the dead can’t speak
And there’s nothing left to say anyway
All you left behind
Is a chalk outline

The last time!

Today is the last time I intend on being here for her to continue to hurt over and over.  I have waited as long as I can for her to wake up and see what she left behind.  It is not fair to me for her to still be married to me and sleeping at another mans house at night.  I am done with it!  She tells her son to call her tonight and then won’t answer the phone?  I really thought today was going to be the turning point for us!  I sent her a text this morning saying happy valentines day and I loved her and she actually replied with the same?  I have been praying for her to wake up and see what she is doing!  I thought today was the day!  But apparently I was wrong.  I had built myself up all day today thinking she was coming around.  Just to be thrown back down again.  I don’t know why I let it happen.  I guess I listen to other people too much, that say she will wake up, she will come back, she just needs time……  Time I could live with, a lying, cheating, selfish person I cannot.  She has broken me, emotionally, mentally, and physically.  She has stripped away my confidence, pride, will, and my self worth.  I feel like nothing but the shell of the man I once was.  Now that I got that off my chest!

I am going to put her behind me starting tomorrow morning.  That will be the new day that I thought was upon me last week!  This emotional roller coaster is never-ending.  I hope I can really stick with it this time!  Not only for me but for this family she left behind.

Every rose has its thorn.

I haven’t been writing a lot lately since I have been at a loss of words.  I said somethings that hurt her feelings, which I did not want to do.  So I took sometime to gather my thoughts of how I could turn this blog around into more of a positive thing.  I don’t know if it will work since there have not been a lot of positive things going for me lately.  I don’t know where our marriage stands right now at this point.  She tells me she is hurting too, but she doesn’t show it like one would think.  I guess some days you’re the dog and some days you’re the fire hydrant!  I used to be that dog but now I am the hydrant!

On the lighter side of things.  I have been taking antidepressants for the last four or five days (I don’t know if that’s a lighter side??).  Which seem to be making a difference in my everyday life.  I am eating a lot better and sleeping about five or six hours a night on average, which is way better than the two or three I was getting for a week or so.  I have been feeling like I may need to move on with my life.  As it seems that she doesn’t want to even talk to me right now at all.  I don’t know if that’s because she doesn’t want anything to do with me besides our son we have together.  Or maybe the sight of me or sound of my voice is too painful.  I am just not sure?

The other day I did create a Facebook account, which I always made fun of people for.  Seems like too much of a soap opera drama site for a lot of people.  I have talked to a lot of people I haven’t talked to in years in the last few days.  I have lost touch with a lot of good friends when we moved out of the county we used to live in.  But we have met some very great people.  Which some have become really great friends!  It has been a strange experience talking with people who live on the other side of the country that I never knew I missed so much until I saw their name or heard their voice.  There is still some more friends and relatives I need to contact on there, I just can’t do it with the current situation I am in.

But my final thought for tonight is,  am I that thorn on the rose?????  This songs lyrics are my exact situation I think!!  ( 80′s hair bands LOL)

We both lie silently still
In the dead of the night
Although we both lie close together
We feel miles apart inside

Was it something I said or something I did
Did my words not come out right
Though I tried not to hurt you
Though I tried
But I guess that’s why they say

Every rose has its thorn
Just like every night has its dawn
Just like every cowboy sings his sad, sad song
Every rose has its thorn

Yeah it does

I listen to our favorite song
Playing on the radio
Hear the DJ say love’s a game of easy come and
Easy go
But I wonder does he know
Has he ever felt like this
And I know that you’d be here right now
If I could have let you know somehow
I guess

Every rose has its thorn
Just like every night has its dawn
Just like every cowboy sings his sad, sad song
Every rose has its thorn

Though it’s been a while now
I can still feel so much pain
Like a knife that cuts you the wound heals
But the scar, that scar remains

Solo

I know I could have saved a love that night
If I’d known what to say
Instead of makin’ love
We both made our separate ways

But now I hear you found somebody new
And that I never meant that much to you
To hear that tears me up inside
And to see you cuts me like a knife
I guess

Every rose has its thorn
Just like every night has its dawn
Just like every cowboy sings his sad, sad song
Every rose has its thorn